Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
