i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
