I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I could make wine with my vomit
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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