My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
