So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
