Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
