i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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