I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
