Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
