before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
