There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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