I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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