So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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