she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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