While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How external is "for external use only"?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
