I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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