I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
