I faked an abortion last night.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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