So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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