How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
