I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
