i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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