captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
