it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
