Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
