pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
