I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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