you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
