Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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