when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
