Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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