My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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