Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
