she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
