Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
