he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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