So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
