I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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