I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
