She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
