Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
