saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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