You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
