When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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