I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
