saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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