Jerry, you need to find god
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
