Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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