planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
