saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
