alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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