mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
