What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
